What I didn't expect was the squeeze – the time when you are so close to the edge of something that you know if you don't go left and you don't go right – you are going to fall right off. And after two years and a lot of dinero, you definitely can’t go backwards.
So it’s decision time – time to make choices. And if I were to write this “brochure” – direct and openly, I would have a million footnotes in there too. Like all the peripheral influences making these choices harder.
I know that not everyone is like me, that there are many different profiles found amongst MBA students... but I know and understand my situation – and I know that: 1). I am not married; 2). I am 28 years old and 3). I'm still searching. I think I would be more “OK” with a new beginning and a new path if it weren’t for everyone around me seeming to exist on a different level.
I spent my first long weekend in quite some time at home. I hung out in my flat, didn't leave Barcelona by plane or train and I gave myself the gift of “me” time. This means: catching up on Grey’s Anatomy and Entourage. It means listening to the Beatles and eating grilled cheese in bed. It also means scanning Facebook in order to catch up on all the gossip I missed.
In the past, my perusal of Facebook consisted of seeing who got fat, who got a great job, who moved across the world. Now – it’s more of a tally of who is married, who is engaged, who is pregnant, and who has kids.
This info isn’t too hard to unearth – considering the people I know who kindly put their sonograms as their profile pictures - and each new wedding photo or honeymoon shot or adorable little family photo is like another thorn in my side.
Because at the end of the day, here are all the people I grew up with – and they have families and secure futures and it’s kind of all just settled in a nice and tidy parcel. And here I am – on the totally opposite side of the spectrum – deciding on a new career – making choices about who I want to be, what my professional goals are, how much of a difference do I want to make in the world and what continent I want to tackle next.
And yes, this is me… I am an explorer and I have so much more I would like to accomplish before I do any kind of settling – but at the same time, I have the moments where I wish I had chosen an easier path.
The unknown is scary… but the unknown for someone nearing 30 is far more terrifying.
Before the MBA, and during – I had this as my identity: business student in Barcelona. The future was just the future and the past just the past. Now the future is approaching at lighting speed and I am realizing that I can no longer hang on to the “ESADE student” identity that has been my padded cushion for the last couple years.
I am not a wife, I am not a mother and it doesn't look like I am any closer to having a ring on my finger than I was when I was applying for the MBA. I can’t go backwards, I have learned that. I don't know what’s to the left, and I don’t want what’s to the right.
So as time passes far too quickly, I realize that I am being pushed forwards – frenziedly – and six months from now, I will fall off. It’s up to me to figure out what is waiting at the bottom.
It's “go-time”… and time to get rid of my Facebook account.
Read more of Morgan’s musings here
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